“We Believe The President Thought He Was Signing a Contract For Another 4 Year Term as POTUS…” – White House Correspondent Jacqui Heinrich
POTENTIAL RE-ELECTION SPARKS PREVENTATIVE ACTION BY THE WHITE HOUSE
In a move that’s left the nation in stitches and seniors around the world feeling seen, President Joe Biden has signed a groundbreaking 4-year contract with Depends Adult Diapers. This unprecedented partnership marks the first time a sitting president has publicly acknowledged the inevitability of bladder betrayal, and in doing so, has become the butt of many late-night monologue jokes.
“Today is a big day for transparency,” Biden said, barely keeping a straight face, as he stood at the podium in the Rose Garden, his Depends peeking out from his suit pants like a proud, absorbent banner. “My administration is committed to tackling the issues head-on, or in this case, ass-on. We’re not just looking out for our seniors—we’re protecting their dignity, one diaper at a time.”
Rumors of the President’s partnership with the adult diaper brand had been swirling for months, but few expected the level of pageantry and flair with which the announcement was made. The event featured a performance by the famous incontinent tap dancer, Slippy Pete, who tap-danced his way across the stage, creating puddles of applause.
SNEAK PEAK AT THE PRESIDENT’S AD CAMPAIGN FOR DEPENDS
In a follow-up press conference, White House Press Secretary, Jennifer High-and-Mighty, fielded a barrage of questions from a press corps more amused than critical. “Does this mean the President will be seen in public sporting the new line of Depends?” one reporter quipped. “Will this affect his ability to sit through long meetings?” another probed, trying hard to maintain journalistic integrity while stifling laughter.
High-and-Mighty, with the confidence of someone who’s been rehearsing for this bizarre moment all her life, responded, “The President will wear his Depends with pride, just as he wears his aviators and his ice cream cone. And as for long meetings, let’s just say he’ll always be seated comfortably, without fear of ‘accidents’ disrupting important decisions.”
The partnership also includes a series of public service announcements featuring Biden alongside other notable figures who’ve allegedly signed their own contracts with the brand, including several aging rock stars and at least one former Bond girl. The commercials, slated to air during primetime, will feature the tagline, “Depends: Because Even Presidents Have a Leak.”
Opponents were quick to criticize the move, with some arguing it was a distraction from more pressing issues. However, the administration defended the decision, stating that if they can’t handle the little leaks, how could they handle the big ones?
Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering how future historians will interpret this chapter in presidential history. One thing’s for sure, though—Biden’s legacy just got a whole lot more absorbent.
seniors around the world feeling seen, President Joe Biden has signed a groundbreaking 4-year contract with Depends Adult Diapers. This unprecedented partnership marks the first time a sitting president has publicly acknowledged the inevitability of bladder betrayal, and in doing so, has become the butt of many late-night monologue jokes.“
Today is a big day for transparency,” Biden said, barely keeping a straight face, as he stood at the podium in the Rose Garden, his Depends peeking out from his suit pants like a proud, absorbent banner. “My administration is committed to tackling the issues head-on, or in this case, ass-on. We’re not just looking out for our seniors—we’re protecting their dignity, one diaper at a time.”Rumors of the President’s partnership with the adult diaper brand had been swirling for months, but few expected the level of pageantry and flair with which the announcement was made.
The event featured a performance by the famous incontinent tap dancer, Slippy Pete, who tap-danced his way across the stage, creating puddles of applause.In a follow-up press conference, White House Press Secretary, Jennifer High-and-Mighty, fielded a barrage of questions from a press corps more amused than critical. “Does this mean the President will be seen in public sporting the new line of Depends?” one reporter quipped. “Will this affect his ability to sit through long meetings?” another probed, trying hard to maintain journalistic integrity while stifling laughter.High-and-Mighty, with the confidence of someone who’s been rehearsing for this bizarre moment all her life, responded, “The President will wear his Depends with pride, just as he wears his aviators and his ice cream cone. And as for long meetings, let’s just say he’ll always be seated comfortably, without fear of ‘accidents’ disrupting important decisions.
”The partnership also includes a series of public service announcements featuring Biden alongside other notable figures who’ve allegedly signed their own contracts with the brand, including several aging rock stars and at least one former Bond girl. The commercials, slated to air during primetime, will feature the tagline, “Depends: Because Even Presidents Have a Leak.”
Opponents were quick to criticize the move, with some arguing it was a distraction from more pressing issues. However, the administration defended the decision, stating that if they can’t handle the little leaks, how could they handle the big ones? Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering how future historians will interpret this chapter in presidential history. One thing’s for sure, though—Biden’s legacy just got a whole lot more absorbent.
